So, first on the agenda tonight: I've officially sworn off clubs. I met someone at the club a few months ago, gorgeous, brilliant, bubbling over with sunshine dreams and love. We fit (In my opinion) like pieces of a puzzle. In fact, other than being a notoriously picky eater, he was perfect. Didnt smoke didnt drink no tatoos, a really upstanding clean cut guy...
We did hit it off, but we started.. wrong. Moved too fast.
Sadly, this brings me to the conclusion that due to the sexually charged atmosphere and my... sensativities to such climates, I think I got too comfortable too fast. This happened before with Todd, kinda. Either way its close enough. I think that it would be irresponsible for me to expose myself to that kind of stuff anymore. Not to mention stupid; so with that being decided clubs now fall under my "Off Limits" category.
The worst part about the whole thing is that I wouldnt have met either of them if it werent for the club.
I've learned a lot of things in this life, how to hide, keep secrets, be unseen, political manuvering etc. Howver, meeting people and building solid friendships for no other reason than because I connect with someone, aren't things I've learned....
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A definite relapse
So... I have decided something. I have decided that I no longer believe perfect attendance is worth Tuesdays at school. Thursdays are barely tolerable.
First and second term students were combined for two classes, Strategies For Success and Hydrotherapy.
The first is interesting enough, or would be if it wasnt all stuff I had heard before. The second should be fascinating. Emphasis on should.
The main problem I have is that the people that just started... well they are driving me crazy. Most of them are older than I am. (In fact I'm third from youngest in the whole program) In fact several of them are nearly ten years older than I am.
So would someone please explain to me why I feel like I'm in high school again?! Hmmmm?
Example of my frustration: Some agency takes the clothing food and shelter of a child in an isolated tribe residing in the Amazon. To be fair they also take the computer video games and cell phone of an American child from Miami.
Now, after the point is made that since the kid lives/grew up in the Amazon he probably has the work ethic to just go into the forest jungle... whatever and start gathering food and supplies to make a new shelter, this girl goes on a tangent about how the little kid from the Amazon has it off soooo much worse; because they took all his food and you cant survive without food.
To put stuff in prespective let me also inform you that she says, at least once a day "Well in my religon." Sometimes the rest of us think we are in church again.
OH! Our anatomy books also happen to contain entirely anatomically correct illustrations of the human body. Of both the male and female varities (Soo didnt spell that right I dont think) and she and another girl (Both of these people are over 25 and one is married probably a mother) make the comment that you dont need to watch a rated "R" movie, you can just open your anatomy book. ...... Someone shoot me now?
I say this with all honesty, we can be talking about manifesting what we want... and she'll bring up Job. Not to mention that they are studying to go into a field where lo and behold they deal with peoples flesh and blood bodies! *Gasps in Horror* Can you imagine the trauma of working on a mans glutts??!
Combine the above with the fact that school consists of one class which lasts two hours on Tuesdays.... I'm no longer convinced my sanity would hold up to perfect attendance. Its the same problem I had during highschool... Someone save me?
First and second term students were combined for two classes, Strategies For Success and Hydrotherapy.
The first is interesting enough, or would be if it wasnt all stuff I had heard before. The second should be fascinating. Emphasis on should.
The main problem I have is that the people that just started... well they are driving me crazy. Most of them are older than I am. (In fact I'm third from youngest in the whole program) In fact several of them are nearly ten years older than I am.
So would someone please explain to me why I feel like I'm in high school again?! Hmmmm?
Example of my frustration: Some agency takes the clothing food and shelter of a child in an isolated tribe residing in the Amazon. To be fair they also take the computer video games and cell phone of an American child from Miami.
Now, after the point is made that since the kid lives/grew up in the Amazon he probably has the work ethic to just go into the forest jungle... whatever and start gathering food and supplies to make a new shelter, this girl goes on a tangent about how the little kid from the Amazon has it off soooo much worse; because they took all his food and you cant survive without food.
To put stuff in prespective let me also inform you that she says, at least once a day "Well in my religon." Sometimes the rest of us think we are in church again.
OH! Our anatomy books also happen to contain entirely anatomically correct illustrations of the human body. Of both the male and female varities (Soo didnt spell that right I dont think) and she and another girl (Both of these people are over 25 and one is married probably a mother) make the comment that you dont need to watch a rated "R" movie, you can just open your anatomy book. ...... Someone shoot me now?
I say this with all honesty, we can be talking about manifesting what we want... and she'll bring up Job. Not to mention that they are studying to go into a field where lo and behold they deal with peoples flesh and blood bodies! *Gasps in Horror* Can you imagine the trauma of working on a mans glutts??!
Combine the above with the fact that school consists of one class which lasts two hours on Tuesdays.... I'm no longer convinced my sanity would hold up to perfect attendance. Its the same problem I had during highschool... Someone save me?
Monday, August 31, 2009
So then, what now?
First of all, I have one favored pet peeves when it comes to spelling errors. the word 'Realize' is spelled with a Z! Not an S! Dont tell me your using the Brittish spelling, because even over there its a Z!!
Anyway...
I should be bringing home my tables and other massage stuff home tomorrow. Yay me. I also had an idea to make christmas very very cheap for me: Everyone in the family that is older than me gets a one hour massage for free! Hopefully I can convince my parents to buy some little cheap lago set or something for the boys and let me say that I did it. Then christmas would be free. I think its very creative thinking. Maybe not really with the spirit of the season... But we all know that the early church just hijacked a Pagan holiday for it anyway.
Anyway...
I should be bringing home my tables and other massage stuff home tomorrow. Yay me. I also had an idea to make christmas very very cheap for me: Everyone in the family that is older than me gets a one hour massage for free! Hopefully I can convince my parents to buy some little cheap lago set or something for the boys and let me say that I did it. Then christmas would be free. I think its very creative thinking. Maybe not really with the spirit of the season... But we all know that the early church just hijacked a Pagan holiday for it anyway.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
And so the seasons pass...
Its been forever since I've blogged, I know, I should be ashamed. In my defense however, I'm in school now, and I've been bogged down with work and homework. So let us offer up some of the details of my life.
About two weeks ago, I called a local school and inquired about their Massage Therapy and Bodywork programs. I started class pretty much the next day and have been very busy ever since, trying to arrange my work schedule and school schedule to work with each other.
On the bright side, school is better than any school I've ever even dreamed of. There are a couple of snags, like the first-aid class I cant get out of even though I have a higher certification from the ARC, a group none globally; versus the lower one I'm getting from an orginization I've never heard of before... Oh! The instructor is also totally clueless. He couldnt even assemble a face mask without help. "I pray for patience but they make me want to melt their face away" sounded really very loudly in my head when he told us to let him do it because he is "In charge of the class" Me and the EMT decided we'll just keep our mouths shut from now on.
Other than that class is amazing! There are about 7 of us in the full time program with a few that are only doing it part time. I actually know and get along with everyone in class, without trying! The teachers know us all too, its absolutely incredible.
Oh, Todd and I broke up, again. He decided that it was too difficult to only see eachother once a month (my schedule playing games with life) however, he was "So into" me that he "Honestly wanted us to live together." Well... I've discovered a few things lately: 1: the smoking wasnt because of drinking, but other drugs. 2: he cheated on me while on said other substances. 3: He has no drive nor life ambition. This all bugs me greatly. I actually almost dumped him again when he admitted 1&2. But wait! He dumped me cuz I didnt have time to drive down and see him at least once a week! Yet he still wanted to comitt to me... right, and he wants to get back together when my schedule permits. I dont think its gonna happen, I wasnt sure how much longer I wanted to be with him anyway.
Going back to that whole work thing... I had a talk with my boss today, and we decided that I should quit. She wants me to finish the week but I dont know that I will. I've put up with so much stuff from that place over the years and risked my health for it numerous times that this whole turn of events is well mildly upsetting. But its likely a blessing in disguise, I was burned out and ready to go anyway. Not even my swim team was giving me much of a reason to stay lately. Although one of my favorite kids did talk to me today and thank me for "Making me that fast and that strong." I've always said they'd all thank me for it someday, and there you have it. Its starting.
So now... I've got to buckle down and get myself a new job. Its time it has been for MONTHS I just couldn't really bring myself to let it all go... that place honestly became a part of how I defined myself and I dont seem to be able to let it all go and honestly rewrite myself. Now I have to.
About two weeks ago, I called a local school and inquired about their Massage Therapy and Bodywork programs. I started class pretty much the next day and have been very busy ever since, trying to arrange my work schedule and school schedule to work with each other.
On the bright side, school is better than any school I've ever even dreamed of. There are a couple of snags, like the first-aid class I cant get out of even though I have a higher certification from the ARC, a group none globally; versus the lower one I'm getting from an orginization I've never heard of before... Oh! The instructor is also totally clueless. He couldnt even assemble a face mask without help. "I pray for patience but they make me want to melt their face away" sounded really very loudly in my head when he told us to let him do it because he is "In charge of the class" Me and the EMT decided we'll just keep our mouths shut from now on.
Other than that class is amazing! There are about 7 of us in the full time program with a few that are only doing it part time. I actually know and get along with everyone in class, without trying! The teachers know us all too, its absolutely incredible.
Oh, Todd and I broke up, again. He decided that it was too difficult to only see eachother once a month (my schedule playing games with life) however, he was "So into" me that he "Honestly wanted us to live together." Well... I've discovered a few things lately: 1: the smoking wasnt because of drinking, but other drugs. 2: he cheated on me while on said other substances. 3: He has no drive nor life ambition. This all bugs me greatly. I actually almost dumped him again when he admitted 1&2. But wait! He dumped me cuz I didnt have time to drive down and see him at least once a week! Yet he still wanted to comitt to me... right, and he wants to get back together when my schedule permits. I dont think its gonna happen, I wasnt sure how much longer I wanted to be with him anyway.
Going back to that whole work thing... I had a talk with my boss today, and we decided that I should quit. She wants me to finish the week but I dont know that I will. I've put up with so much stuff from that place over the years and risked my health for it numerous times that this whole turn of events is well mildly upsetting. But its likely a blessing in disguise, I was burned out and ready to go anyway. Not even my swim team was giving me much of a reason to stay lately. Although one of my favorite kids did talk to me today and thank me for "Making me that fast and that strong." I've always said they'd all thank me for it someday, and there you have it. Its starting.
So now... I've got to buckle down and get myself a new job. Its time it has been for MONTHS I just couldn't really bring myself to let it all go... that place honestly became a part of how I defined myself and I dont seem to be able to let it all go and honestly rewrite myself. Now I have to.
Monday, June 8, 2009
New experiences and old dreams.
Well, Pride was exellent! Its the first time I've been to it, and yeah I totallly missed the parade, but thats ok, I still got my fill.
Mostly it was just booths and people dressed in every colorful way one could imagine. I was a cheapy though, I just bought a rainbow necklace and that was the extent of my color. I also found Aviator sunglasses for ten bucks. I almost bought them. I was rather tempted to tell my brother (who is well... a bigot) that I found them. He loves Aviators and is always complaining that he cant find them to save his life, so going saying "Oh yeah I got them at Gay Pride, for ten bucks." had a certain appeal to me!
Also, I've decided to chace a dream that I've nursed in semi secrecy for years. I'm going to try and build a career out of freelance writting. Its already proven to be extrodinarily research intensive, but I'm hoping that it will take less once I actually break out into the print world. But right now I've got to figure out what markets to target and where to get my start and all sorts of other stuff... I'm actually a little overwhelmed by all the reading I've been doing over the past three days.
But I think I'm ready to start preping a few submissions. We are about to see what we shall see.
Mostly it was just booths and people dressed in every colorful way one could imagine. I was a cheapy though, I just bought a rainbow necklace and that was the extent of my color. I also found Aviator sunglasses for ten bucks. I almost bought them. I was rather tempted to tell my brother (who is well... a bigot) that I found them. He loves Aviators and is always complaining that he cant find them to save his life, so going saying "Oh yeah I got them at Gay Pride, for ten bucks." had a certain appeal to me!
Also, I've decided to chace a dream that I've nursed in semi secrecy for years. I'm going to try and build a career out of freelance writting. Its already proven to be extrodinarily research intensive, but I'm hoping that it will take less once I actually break out into the print world. But right now I've got to figure out what markets to target and where to get my start and all sorts of other stuff... I'm actually a little overwhelmed by all the reading I've been doing over the past three days.
But I think I'm ready to start preping a few submissions. We are about to see what we shall see.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
As birthdays go...
Last night was definetly one of the best birthdays that I have ever had! For the first time since I got a job I didnt have to work, so I was actually able to just relax and stuff. Then there's Pride Week, and other good news on the boy front.
During the Clinton administration June was LGBT pride month. Essentially Black history month for gays. President Bush discontinued the practice, however President Obama has revived it. So I'm told that celebrations this year are a bit more than they have for the past eight years or so.
There were so many people at the club last night, it was absolutely amazing! You couldnt help but bump people, even if you were just walking... especially if you were just walking.
It was so nice to see so many people out and about who could relate to your story. I think thats something most people on the outside dont realize: all LGBT people share a few basics in their stories that go beyond 'normal' commonalities with the rest of the world. Nearly every last one of us has dealt with both the fear and the reality of rejection. Not just from that special someone, but the world as a whole. That brings on a whole other basket of thorns. Depression, isolation feeling as if you are alone in a world that is only waiting for one slip on your part; the wrong word the wrong motion, hesitation. Thats all it would take to send this alien murderous world crashing down around you. To end you.
So yeah, it was really nice to see people who have the same story, even if they differ in infinite variation. Only the names, dates and places change. The story is the same across the board however.
On a very different note: I need to find something to do when guys I dont know tell me I'm hot. Normally I just smile and blush or something to the same affect. Its easier to know what to do when they just imply it. Like when someone handing out condems walks over and hands you a baggie of them and says "I think you'll need this later sweetie." (That actually sent me into a laughing fit, but judging by the smile on his face that was an acceptable response)
Also, the best news of the whole night. Todd called me a few minutes before I went out to the club. Some of it I already knew, like the fact that he still had feelings for me. The real suprise of the call was and I quote: "I love you, and I'll give it all up for you." What do you say to that? I mean really what do you do with that? Pretty sure I almost cried... while laughing hysterically. He wants me to give him a little bit of time to sober up, and when he's been sober for a few weeks he's going to ask me out again. So I guess we'll see what we see.
Secretly though, I'm still not sure how long it'll last, but... I'll take whatever time I can get.
During the Clinton administration June was LGBT pride month. Essentially Black history month for gays. President Bush discontinued the practice, however President Obama has revived it. So I'm told that celebrations this year are a bit more than they have for the past eight years or so.
There were so many people at the club last night, it was absolutely amazing! You couldnt help but bump people, even if you were just walking... especially if you were just walking.
It was so nice to see so many people out and about who could relate to your story. I think thats something most people on the outside dont realize: all LGBT people share a few basics in their stories that go beyond 'normal' commonalities with the rest of the world. Nearly every last one of us has dealt with both the fear and the reality of rejection. Not just from that special someone, but the world as a whole. That brings on a whole other basket of thorns. Depression, isolation feeling as if you are alone in a world that is only waiting for one slip on your part; the wrong word the wrong motion, hesitation. Thats all it would take to send this alien murderous world crashing down around you. To end you.
So yeah, it was really nice to see people who have the same story, even if they differ in infinite variation. Only the names, dates and places change. The story is the same across the board however.
On a very different note: I need to find something to do when guys I dont know tell me I'm hot. Normally I just smile and blush or something to the same affect. Its easier to know what to do when they just imply it. Like when someone handing out condems walks over and hands you a baggie of them and says "I think you'll need this later sweetie." (That actually sent me into a laughing fit, but judging by the smile on his face that was an acceptable response)
Also, the best news of the whole night. Todd called me a few minutes before I went out to the club. Some of it I already knew, like the fact that he still had feelings for me. The real suprise of the call was and I quote: "I love you, and I'll give it all up for you." What do you say to that? I mean really what do you do with that? Pretty sure I almost cried... while laughing hysterically. He wants me to give him a little bit of time to sober up, and when he's been sober for a few weeks he's going to ask me out again. So I guess we'll see what we see.
Secretly though, I'm still not sure how long it'll last, but... I'll take whatever time I can get.
Monday, June 1, 2009
The deeper puzzlings of mechanics.
So, we all know that about two weeks ago my car decidedly ceased working. Turns out that the AC compressor is no more, and in its death jammed my engine. All things told this thing is going to cost me 650$. I put almost 300$ into it just three months ago. So, now the question is if it will be worth it to continue to resurrect the cadi or if it would be wiser to by a new car. I personally am leaning toward the later.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wow.
So, today one of my cousins returned to the valley. She'd been doing school and the like in Tuscon AZ. This is significant because... well it is. Because we all pitched in to get her settled back in here, a goal was made. Namely: to not be living at home come September.
Its amazing what having a goal can do to me. Especially if it sticks.
I got home and started cleaning my room. I dont mean just picking up the floor to make it look good. I mean cleaning. Like putting my bookcase to use and organizing it so that it can do its job. Cleaning my desk both off and out so that it can actually be used.
I was going to call it good with the cleaning, so I went upstairs and got some cereal. Then I got back downstairs and sat in my chair.... it didnt have arm rests. It was unacceptable! I had to find a chair with arm rests! So I went looking. Long story short I took one out of my moms office. She came and took my temperature! Apparently I need a reason to be cleaning my room at 11:00pm. And by the way, my cereal still isn't eaten. Nope I let it get soggy while I was looking for a decent chair, and now am just not in the mood to finish it.
Continuing the sudden spurr of productivity, I have gone through a few of my notebooks and typed some of the random writing I did while I was in highschool into the computer. I've been meaning to do it for months.
I mean to clean my room thouroughly over the next several days, as well as finish inputing all of the various stuff I've written over the years into the computer, and then onto a flash drive.
Also, I need to find a memory card that will work with my camera, I feel I should begin documenting things more thouroughly. I should probably also learn how to use a photoshop like program if I'm going to do that...
I want to write more often too, something I should get back into the habit of doing. Who knows, if I'm good and I'm dedicated, maybe I could just make my way as a freelance writer. I'd even be willing to use the Journalism training that I have and do that kind of stuff. Shoot a normal job in the foot!
Of course that particular path will require some looking into. Lots and lots of reasearch and writting to be done!
Its amazing what having a goal can do to me. Especially if it sticks.
I got home and started cleaning my room. I dont mean just picking up the floor to make it look good. I mean cleaning. Like putting my bookcase to use and organizing it so that it can do its job. Cleaning my desk both off and out so that it can actually be used.
I was going to call it good with the cleaning, so I went upstairs and got some cereal. Then I got back downstairs and sat in my chair.... it didnt have arm rests. It was unacceptable! I had to find a chair with arm rests! So I went looking. Long story short I took one out of my moms office. She came and took my temperature! Apparently I need a reason to be cleaning my room at 11:00pm. And by the way, my cereal still isn't eaten. Nope I let it get soggy while I was looking for a decent chair, and now am just not in the mood to finish it.
Continuing the sudden spurr of productivity, I have gone through a few of my notebooks and typed some of the random writing I did while I was in highschool into the computer. I've been meaning to do it for months.
I mean to clean my room thouroughly over the next several days, as well as finish inputing all of the various stuff I've written over the years into the computer, and then onto a flash drive.
Also, I need to find a memory card that will work with my camera, I feel I should begin documenting things more thouroughly. I should probably also learn how to use a photoshop like program if I'm going to do that...
I want to write more often too, something I should get back into the habit of doing. Who knows, if I'm good and I'm dedicated, maybe I could just make my way as a freelance writer. I'd even be willing to use the Journalism training that I have and do that kind of stuff. Shoot a normal job in the foot!
Of course that particular path will require some looking into. Lots and lots of reasearch and writting to be done!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
A fix
Well Todd started smoking... and long story short I broke up with him. I dont care if I am childish and closed minded about stuff like that. Its dangerous and I like my health.
I went clubbing last night, had more fun than I've had in a long time, even if the selection was poor. (That and there were way too many straight couples there, only problem with that is that they create a divison in the atmosphere that totally messes things up, especially when they look around at all the same sex dancing and get all creeped out.)
So no luck with the guys but on the bright side: I ran into a friend from highschool. She's absolutely one of my favorite people in the world! Last I had heard she and her Marine boyfriend were in California. I'm not really sure why she moved back here... but I'm glad she did!
Oh and better yet: Pride week is next weekend, and my B-day is on Friday! So I think for the first time I might really celebrate my birthday. Its gonna be sooo much fun, I cant wait. Who knows, I might even manage to find an intelligent non-smoking/drinking guy with gorgeous eyes who will wanna stick around. Granted the chances are slim, if for no other reason than the no smoking/drinking portion; but I can still hope and look right?
I went clubbing last night, had more fun than I've had in a long time, even if the selection was poor. (That and there were way too many straight couples there, only problem with that is that they create a divison in the atmosphere that totally messes things up, especially when they look around at all the same sex dancing and get all creeped out.)
So no luck with the guys but on the bright side: I ran into a friend from highschool. She's absolutely one of my favorite people in the world! Last I had heard she and her Marine boyfriend were in California. I'm not really sure why she moved back here... but I'm glad she did!
Oh and better yet: Pride week is next weekend, and my B-day is on Friday! So I think for the first time I might really celebrate my birthday. Its gonna be sooo much fun, I cant wait. Who knows, I might even manage to find an intelligent non-smoking/drinking guy with gorgeous eyes who will wanna stick around. Granted the chances are slim, if for no other reason than the no smoking/drinking portion; but I can still hope and look right?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Of schedules and distances
Summer... is gonna be rough! In theory riding my bike to work was supposed to make it so that I could go down and see Todd more often. Yeah. Right.
I just did my schedule for june... I think I get one suitable weekend to go down and see him. This distance thing is really going to strain our relationship. It would be easy if he was close... but he's not. And I'll be honest our relationship is already feeling the distance, I dont know that it can survive any more. I dont even know what to do.
Its not even like I'm gonna soo busy as to not have time for friends (as far as can be seen) its really just the distance thats giving us issues. I'm sorry to be redundant but I think I'm trying to say something that I dont know how to say... hmmm oh well.
I just did my schedule for june... I think I get one suitable weekend to go down and see him. This distance thing is really going to strain our relationship. It would be easy if he was close... but he's not. And I'll be honest our relationship is already feeling the distance, I dont know that it can survive any more. I dont even know what to do.
Its not even like I'm gonna soo busy as to not have time for friends (as far as can be seen) its really just the distance thats giving us issues. I'm sorry to be redundant but I think I'm trying to say something that I dont know how to say... hmmm oh well.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The trouble with cars and bikes.
My poor car. It seems that her time is getting close. On the way down to Todds this past weekend she started to make some funny noises. I checked the oil cuz it had been a while since I'd topped her off, stupid leak. But it was full so that wasnt the problem neither was the coolant... So I'm lost. Needless to say that the trip home was full of aprehension, till about half way back. She shuddered and everything seemed to fix, no more noises the ride got smoother and my gas mileage went up. I started her yesterday and the noises are back. What to do?
At least its summer, this car problem is seriously mitigated by the fact that the weather is good for bike riding (For the most part) Either of my work locations are in riding distance from my house so its all cool. (But the way to one is nothing but pure construction, which is suicide so I wont ride there.)
There are two problems with this solution though. First, yes my legs do need work, but my abbs need it so much more and the bike doesnt help! Second, its kinda hard to force myself to ride home after work, especially since work is just an endurance workout right now. Cleaning for the win!
This summer is gonna be great!
At least its summer, this car problem is seriously mitigated by the fact that the weather is good for bike riding (For the most part) Either of my work locations are in riding distance from my house so its all cool. (But the way to one is nothing but pure construction, which is suicide so I wont ride there.)
There are two problems with this solution though. First, yes my legs do need work, but my abbs need it so much more and the bike doesnt help! Second, its kinda hard to force myself to ride home after work, especially since work is just an endurance workout right now. Cleaning for the win!
This summer is gonna be great!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Incoming
Well, its almost memorial day. Possibly the busiest holiday on my calendar. Yes, the weather is coming back to its senses and warming up, which of course means its time to get the pool ready to go.
All winter long its just sat there, completely empty and left alone. Abandoned.
You can imagine how much cleaning there is to be done. I spent two days cleaning out the office by itself. The one room I thought would be semi clean, as it has no food stuffs stored there at all and it is in no way left open to the elements. I was so very very wrong. The counters needed to be wiped down three times before the rag stopped coming away black. I'm not even going to talk about the windows.
Concessions was a beast, is being a beast to clean. Someone forgot to air out all the freezers before winter. They were all moldy, the counters had the same problem as the office. Birds have nested in the window cover thing.... we have a little more than a week left and we havent even started on the deck or locker rooms yet.
Gotta love busy season right?
Todd is of course not very pleased with all of this. He wanted to take a roadtrip with me and a few other friends down to Vegas and back. Yeah thats not happening. I kind of wish it was, but at the same time I'm really excited for summer to be here and to be busy out of my mind. Yet, I want to still have time to spend with Todd, I only get to see him once a week as is, and its rough on both of us. I officially would not be able to handle a true long distance relationship. I'm a little to clingy for that.
Also, I'm really hoping that it doesnt rain on us for opening day. It was a real drag last year and it is just so incredibly cruel for the weather to do that to us. Especially after all the effort it takes to get the stupid thing up and running. So my weather wish for March 23: some clouds a good breeze and 100 degrees. (Hopefully wishing for the triple digits will give us at least 80 or 90 right?)
All winter long its just sat there, completely empty and left alone. Abandoned.
You can imagine how much cleaning there is to be done. I spent two days cleaning out the office by itself. The one room I thought would be semi clean, as it has no food stuffs stored there at all and it is in no way left open to the elements. I was so very very wrong. The counters needed to be wiped down three times before the rag stopped coming away black. I'm not even going to talk about the windows.
Concessions was a beast, is being a beast to clean. Someone forgot to air out all the freezers before winter. They were all moldy, the counters had the same problem as the office. Birds have nested in the window cover thing.... we have a little more than a week left and we havent even started on the deck or locker rooms yet.
Gotta love busy season right?
Todd is of course not very pleased with all of this. He wanted to take a roadtrip with me and a few other friends down to Vegas and back. Yeah thats not happening. I kind of wish it was, but at the same time I'm really excited for summer to be here and to be busy out of my mind. Yet, I want to still have time to spend with Todd, I only get to see him once a week as is, and its rough on both of us. I officially would not be able to handle a true long distance relationship. I'm a little to clingy for that.
Also, I'm really hoping that it doesnt rain on us for opening day. It was a real drag last year and it is just so incredibly cruel for the weather to do that to us. Especially after all the effort it takes to get the stupid thing up and running. So my weather wish for March 23: some clouds a good breeze and 100 degrees. (Hopefully wishing for the triple digits will give us at least 80 or 90 right?)
Monday, April 27, 2009
Update
So, I really need to write here more often. Alas I fear life has moved somewhat suddenly in unexpected ways. I'm not going to lie, I wanted, hoped, and dreamed about a todd-like situation occuring. I just wasnt expecting it, or that I would get swept away by it.
There are a couple of things I wasnt expecting dreaming or hoping when I thought about this situation.
For one I didnt even have the notion that my first relationship would be a semi long distance one. He lives a half-hour away for crying out loud. Thats by speeding on the freeway on a good day by the way. So I only get to see him once a week. Depressing it most definetly is. But I suppose that perhaps in its way its good for us. Maybe.
I also wasnt expecting to date somebody that was just getting his feet back under him. I had always thought older and probably better off than I. Maybe even getting started in his career you know?
Oh, I spent the weekend down at his place recently. (I was trying to avoid what I had thought would be a fire and brimestone filled one at home, it should have been but apparently wasnt) Anyway, Sunday his sister called and said she was up from down south and had one of his Foutons. She wanted to come over and see him not to mention get rid of the Fouton. He did however ask her if she would be comfortable meeting his boyfriend; aka: me.
Part of me says that I should be kinder in my initial judgment of this particular sister. However, I dont know that I want to or that it would be practical. He asked if she would be comfortable with it and she told him that she'd rather come around when I wasnt around: "You know... I do... *sigh* I do mind actually. I dont want to be rude though and make him leave or whatever... But I'd really rather not have him there."
Ok, honey you've known he is gay for at least a year. Second, you dont want to be rude; but you cant handle meeting someone that is (Hopefully, probably) important to your brother? Tell me how thats not rude and at leas somewhat rejectful.
Honestly, I think she's a bitch....
I would have felt differently if she had been like "I guess I could do that but I dont know if I can handle any touchy feely stuff between you two." Or something to that effect. But flat out refusing to be civil and semi accepting of your brother in the same breath? Gah. I hate Utah some days.
We actually started playing computer games and lost track of time, resulting in his sister showing up at the door just moments before I headed out. What do we do? He takes her back out to her car to get the thing and I sneak out behind them.
I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to feel about her.
Oh, and I got a new computer. I really like it. However, I will never update windows messenger ever again. It caused some serious issues that took like two days of work to fix, and then I had to reinstall all my games; which took like another 9 hours. But other than that its been smooth sailing.
Also, one of the grils form the High school team has asked me to write her a letter of recomendation for sophemore class officer. I told her that she would be better off finding someone else, but she said she couldnt find anyone else to do it. So I'll do that... tommorrow I guess. Oh the twisted and convulted paths that have lead to this mess.
There are a couple of things I wasnt expecting dreaming or hoping when I thought about this situation.
For one I didnt even have the notion that my first relationship would be a semi long distance one. He lives a half-hour away for crying out loud. Thats by speeding on the freeway on a good day by the way. So I only get to see him once a week. Depressing it most definetly is. But I suppose that perhaps in its way its good for us. Maybe.
I also wasnt expecting to date somebody that was just getting his feet back under him. I had always thought older and probably better off than I. Maybe even getting started in his career you know?
Oh, I spent the weekend down at his place recently. (I was trying to avoid what I had thought would be a fire and brimestone filled one at home, it should have been but apparently wasnt) Anyway, Sunday his sister called and said she was up from down south and had one of his Foutons. She wanted to come over and see him not to mention get rid of the Fouton. He did however ask her if she would be comfortable meeting his boyfriend; aka: me.
Part of me says that I should be kinder in my initial judgment of this particular sister. However, I dont know that I want to or that it would be practical. He asked if she would be comfortable with it and she told him that she'd rather come around when I wasnt around: "You know... I do... *sigh* I do mind actually. I dont want to be rude though and make him leave or whatever... But I'd really rather not have him there."
Ok, honey you've known he is gay for at least a year. Second, you dont want to be rude; but you cant handle meeting someone that is (Hopefully, probably) important to your brother? Tell me how thats not rude and at leas somewhat rejectful.
Honestly, I think she's a bitch....
I would have felt differently if she had been like "I guess I could do that but I dont know if I can handle any touchy feely stuff between you two." Or something to that effect. But flat out refusing to be civil and semi accepting of your brother in the same breath? Gah. I hate Utah some days.
We actually started playing computer games and lost track of time, resulting in his sister showing up at the door just moments before I headed out. What do we do? He takes her back out to her car to get the thing and I sneak out behind them.
I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to feel about her.
Oh, and I got a new computer. I really like it. However, I will never update windows messenger ever again. It caused some serious issues that took like two days of work to fix, and then I had to reinstall all my games; which took like another 9 hours. But other than that its been smooth sailing.
Also, one of the grils form the High school team has asked me to write her a letter of recomendation for sophemore class officer. I told her that she would be better off finding someone else, but she said she couldnt find anyone else to do it. So I'll do that... tommorrow I guess. Oh the twisted and convulted paths that have lead to this mess.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Need a new job, badly.
I really need a new job. If I cant move out soon, well it'll be bad. My parents are driving me crazy. I clean the house before I leave to go to dinner with my cousins, see them when I come home that night and they are cool. However, when I leave to hang out with my cousins (admittedly before they woke up) the next morning, they get cranky. House was still clean, its not like I was shirking my duties, they just dont like me having a life apparently. I was gone all day, true. But I think that if Phileous can disapear for a week, I'm allowed to be out for a weekend. Its not like they arent perfectly capable of doing the kitchen themselves for two days you know?
But, like I said, they dont like me having a life. Much less one where I try to keep them out of it. I dont need them interrogating my friends and generally making things uncomfortable. I put up with it through high school; and according to the deal I made with them, after I graduated I would be free to do what I wanted, as long as it wasnt illegal, didnt get hurt, and was pulling my weight around the house/going to school.
I have graduated, I am the maid service at the house, I'm not dumb enough to do ilegal stuff, and I am in school. So why is it that when all of my responsibilities are taken care of, they still have to ruin things by telling me I cant use the car to go do stuff. Which is, again, perfectly legit?
If anyone knows how I can make my parents live up to their end of the deal please tell me how! Also (The more likely thing) I need a job that will make it so I can move out, even if I have to find some roomates. If anyone knows of someone looking for someone to fill an entry level position, or almost any given aquatics position, please tell me!
But, like I said, they dont like me having a life. Much less one where I try to keep them out of it. I dont need them interrogating my friends and generally making things uncomfortable. I put up with it through high school; and according to the deal I made with them, after I graduated I would be free to do what I wanted, as long as it wasnt illegal, didnt get hurt, and was pulling my weight around the house/going to school.
I have graduated, I am the maid service at the house, I'm not dumb enough to do ilegal stuff, and I am in school. So why is it that when all of my responsibilities are taken care of, they still have to ruin things by telling me I cant use the car to go do stuff. Which is, again, perfectly legit?
If anyone knows how I can make my parents live up to their end of the deal please tell me how! Also (The more likely thing) I need a job that will make it so I can move out, even if I have to find some roomates. If anyone knows of someone looking for someone to fill an entry level position, or almost any given aquatics position, please tell me!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Oh no he didnt!... or did he?
He did. Todd took pictures that were taken of us at a club and totally turned them into flair on facebook. I'm not really certain how I feel about it, though he did pick a cute one...
Regardless he's still a great guy. He's moving today, or at least starting to. Not tons closer to me, but it is three freeway exits closer than before, so thats nice. Its also way nice cuz now he'll be able to walk to work instead of taking the bus.
The only problem? He'll end up babysitting for people who want to experiment. This I'm not a fan of. I trust him to stay away from the crap himself, but I still dont want him to have to put up with it. Maybe I'm over protective, but he's the first guy in a long time that has made me feel good about myself. So, I'm probably just selfish, but I think a close relationship with another human being is an entitlement, so long as your not some kind of monster. I dont kill people, dont hurt them, I do occasionally scare them witless when I come up behind them but who doesnt?
Also, I've decided that for the time being at least, I need to get out of the coaching business. He and I and a bunch of gay friends he knows went to the mall Friday night. The only problem there was that we were at the Sandy mall, literally down the streeet from where I work, and he got up the nerve to try and hold my hand. (He's not big on the pda, hasn't wanted to deal with homophobic stuff) I told him we couldn't which was depressing for both of us. I was afraid that a parent or one of my kids might see, and then proceed to raise hell about the fact that I am gay and coaching their kids. I was seriously bummed out. He was too, and very understandably I think. So, I need to get out of the coaching business. Which again, means that I need a new job. Preferably one where I answer questions, solve problems, and dont have to handle other peoples money. I'll take responsibility for keeping you alive, but not your money.
Regardless he's still a great guy. He's moving today, or at least starting to. Not tons closer to me, but it is three freeway exits closer than before, so thats nice. Its also way nice cuz now he'll be able to walk to work instead of taking the bus.
The only problem? He'll end up babysitting for people who want to experiment. This I'm not a fan of. I trust him to stay away from the crap himself, but I still dont want him to have to put up with it. Maybe I'm over protective, but he's the first guy in a long time that has made me feel good about myself. So, I'm probably just selfish, but I think a close relationship with another human being is an entitlement, so long as your not some kind of monster. I dont kill people, dont hurt them, I do occasionally scare them witless when I come up behind them but who doesnt?
Also, I've decided that for the time being at least, I need to get out of the coaching business. He and I and a bunch of gay friends he knows went to the mall Friday night. The only problem there was that we were at the Sandy mall, literally down the streeet from where I work, and he got up the nerve to try and hold my hand. (He's not big on the pda, hasn't wanted to deal with homophobic stuff) I told him we couldn't which was depressing for both of us. I was afraid that a parent or one of my kids might see, and then proceed to raise hell about the fact that I am gay and coaching their kids. I was seriously bummed out. He was too, and very understandably I think. So, I need to get out of the coaching business. Which again, means that I need a new job. Preferably one where I answer questions, solve problems, and dont have to handle other peoples money. I'll take responsibility for keeping you alive, but not your money.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
(Enter some snappy relevant title here)
Well, its been a while, I suppose its time for an update.
Family:
Cousins came up from places without furnaces in their homes to celebrate St. Patricks day. It was cool. Really super movie. Interesting revelations. Most suprisingly: support. Cousins have a disturbing tendency to suprise me. However, I dont mind saying that I actually have someone in my family to talk to now. Its kinda weird though, not something I had really ever even considered a possiblity, but I'm certainly not complaining.
Todd:
Well, what is there to say really? He hijacked my Ipod last time I was over, and filled it with some really random music. A lot of its a bit heavier than I like it though I wont complain. We watched Mama Mia, another exellent movie.
One problem, he got a belly button piercing on St. Patricks day. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I obviously havent seen it yet, but I'm not really a fan of the body piercing thing. The only piercing I think I'd ever really be ok with would probably be an ear piercing. Just the one. But I'm not sure what to do about the whole thing. He already asked me if I'd rather he just take it out and let it regrow, which yeah I would prefer; but he already did it. Spent the money. Would it really be fair of me to tell him to do that? Its cute that he's willing and all, but would it be right of me? Advice?
Family:
Cousins came up from places without furnaces in their homes to celebrate St. Patricks day. It was cool. Really super movie. Interesting revelations. Most suprisingly: support. Cousins have a disturbing tendency to suprise me. However, I dont mind saying that I actually have someone in my family to talk to now. Its kinda weird though, not something I had really ever even considered a possiblity, but I'm certainly not complaining.
Todd:
Well, what is there to say really? He hijacked my Ipod last time I was over, and filled it with some really random music. A lot of its a bit heavier than I like it though I wont complain. We watched Mama Mia, another exellent movie.
One problem, he got a belly button piercing on St. Patricks day. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I obviously havent seen it yet, but I'm not really a fan of the body piercing thing. The only piercing I think I'd ever really be ok with would probably be an ear piercing. Just the one. But I'm not sure what to do about the whole thing. He already asked me if I'd rather he just take it out and let it regrow, which yeah I would prefer; but he already did it. Spent the money. Would it really be fair of me to tell him to do that? Its cute that he's willing and all, but would it be right of me? Advice?
Friday, March 6, 2009
Revalations
First of all, he was previously dubbed 'ryan' shall now be 'Tod'. Turns out that Ryan is the name of his ex, they were getting back together, but Ryan died two months ago. Thus we change his alias in my blog to Tod.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Game night!
Well, I finally got up the courage to call Ryan on sunday. Excellent timing if I do say so myself. Turns out he and some friends were having a game night, and I had been invited by all of them that had already met me. Or at least the three that remember meeting me. Turns out the girl who 'set us up' had been more messed up than I'd thought and doesnt remember most of the night.
We didn't really play that many games, but then I was late (I got lost, suprise suprise) however I did get a tour of some of the most haunted places in American Fork though. Yeah I was unimpressed. The pool ghosts do a better job.
Oh! Another important note: he doesnt smoke. Or do drugs. This means that I can in fact date him. He was completely sober and the only change I could detect in him was that he didnt grab my butt once. Not that I mind having my butt grabbed by a cute guy everyonce in a while, but I take it as a sign that A: he really is a very nice guy, and B: that he wasn't all that tipsy to begin with.
Anyway, I got some serious cuddle time and no one even once commented on how quiet I was being. It doesnt get much better than that!
We didn't really play that many games, but then I was late (I got lost, suprise suprise) however I did get a tour of some of the most haunted places in American Fork though. Yeah I was unimpressed. The pool ghosts do a better job.
Oh! Another important note: he doesnt smoke. Or do drugs. This means that I can in fact date him. He was completely sober and the only change I could detect in him was that he didnt grab my butt once. Not that I mind having my butt grabbed by a cute guy everyonce in a while, but I take it as a sign that A: he really is a very nice guy, and B: that he wasn't all that tipsy to begin with.
Anyway, I got some serious cuddle time and no one even once commented on how quiet I was being. It doesnt get much better than that!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Well this could get good, or it could go south.
I went clubbing again last night. Determined to be relaxed and looking like someone that you could just come up to and start chatting/and/or dancing with. I did not succeed completely but close enough.
I did succeed completely in several other areas though. Meeting someone new: check, actually talking and starting to get to know him: check, getting a number: check.
It was actually a really interesting story and involves another of those girls that come out of no where and you suddenly end up dancing with this guy. This time however, I know exactly what happened I did get his name (obviously as I do have his number now) and I know a few things about him.
He's really cute, a little taller than me with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Thin but in that 'I'm one solid muscle' way. He was shy at first, but after a song or two he really relaxed and turned out to be a really sweet guy.
These are all the reasons this could end up being very good. But there may be one or two problems.
He was tipsy. I wouldnt have known if he hadn't told me, but there you go. I always told myself that I wouldnt date a guy that drank, and I'm not sure if I should revise that rule slightly. It's not like he was so drunk he was another person than he normally is. I'm pretty sure (Could be wrong) that drink starts to affect your balance before it does anything serious with your personality, and his balance was definetly better than mine last night.
He tells me that its not a regular thing for him, just that he wouldnt "have the courage to dance with anyone" without it. Which given how shy he was at the begining of the night, I can believe it. He was tipsy before he got there.
Also, he gets points for being honest and up-front with me. We sat down at one point and he asked me if I was under the influence of anything. I gave him the obvious answer: "No, I get into enough trouble without that kinda stuff" He looked a little suprised, but he got over it and asked if I minded that he was a little tipsy. Being that he was being perfectly respectful and not at all "I'm horny lets get it on" I told him that I didnt mind. Like I said though, I'm not entirely sure if I can date him because of it.... maybe going over the top?
The second problem is that its a possibility that he does other stuff, all his friends were smokers, who after they realized that A: I wasnt breathing, and B: that I can't handel cigarrette smoke; very politely moved down wind and did what they could to avoid blowing any my direction. Very considerate people. He (We'll call him ryan) didnt smoke with them though, even before he found out my aversion, which means its possible he doesnt smoke. Right?
One of the best parts of the whole thing though, is that he's easy to just be with. Half the time we were just sitting on one of the couches, just sitting together, he put an arm around my shoulder. Didn't even really talk. It's nice to be able to just be with someone without filling the silence with needless chatter.
Oh! I also talked to the girl who intorduced me to 'mystery' boy last time, she says that he wants my number so I gave it to her and I guess we'll see what happens there.
I did succeed completely in several other areas though. Meeting someone new: check, actually talking and starting to get to know him: check, getting a number: check.
It was actually a really interesting story and involves another of those girls that come out of no where and you suddenly end up dancing with this guy. This time however, I know exactly what happened I did get his name (obviously as I do have his number now) and I know a few things about him.
He's really cute, a little taller than me with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Thin but in that 'I'm one solid muscle' way. He was shy at first, but after a song or two he really relaxed and turned out to be a really sweet guy.
These are all the reasons this could end up being very good. But there may be one or two problems.
He was tipsy. I wouldnt have known if he hadn't told me, but there you go. I always told myself that I wouldnt date a guy that drank, and I'm not sure if I should revise that rule slightly. It's not like he was so drunk he was another person than he normally is. I'm pretty sure (Could be wrong) that drink starts to affect your balance before it does anything serious with your personality, and his balance was definetly better than mine last night.
He tells me that its not a regular thing for him, just that he wouldnt "have the courage to dance with anyone" without it. Which given how shy he was at the begining of the night, I can believe it. He was tipsy before he got there.
Also, he gets points for being honest and up-front with me. We sat down at one point and he asked me if I was under the influence of anything. I gave him the obvious answer: "No, I get into enough trouble without that kinda stuff" He looked a little suprised, but he got over it and asked if I minded that he was a little tipsy. Being that he was being perfectly respectful and not at all "I'm horny lets get it on" I told him that I didnt mind. Like I said though, I'm not entirely sure if I can date him because of it.... maybe going over the top?
The second problem is that its a possibility that he does other stuff, all his friends were smokers, who after they realized that A: I wasnt breathing, and B: that I can't handel cigarrette smoke; very politely moved down wind and did what they could to avoid blowing any my direction. Very considerate people. He (We'll call him ryan) didnt smoke with them though, even before he found out my aversion, which means its possible he doesnt smoke. Right?
One of the best parts of the whole thing though, is that he's easy to just be with. Half the time we were just sitting on one of the couches, just sitting together, he put an arm around my shoulder. Didn't even really talk. It's nice to be able to just be with someone without filling the silence with needless chatter.
Oh! I also talked to the girl who intorduced me to 'mystery' boy last time, she says that he wants my number so I gave it to her and I guess we'll see what happens there.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Life could really be more ...
First of all, I really hate this weather. Taunting me with spring for this long is just not nice! Life would be so much more fun if it decided a too be warm outside! It would be so much more comfortable. I'm really starting to get claustrophobic with all these long sleeves and long pants and socks and shoes! To say nothing of being trapped inside all the time!
Second, I'm really hoping my friends decide we are going dancing again tommorrow. I had a blast last time and I think I'll do much better at the whole thing now that I've had time to get good and cozy with it!
I was telling a friend about the whole experience and she pointed out that it was really odd that I relaxed once they pulled me up onto the stage to dance.
I have a few theories. One: I did a decent bit of preforming when I was in middle and highschool. Being on stage is where I first started learning how to conquer my fears. Second: Most of my life has been one giant performance. For years I did everything I could to keep my family/ward convinced that I was just like everybody else. I walked the walk, talked the talk; but I thought a different thought and definately hated walking and talking the way I was expected to. So, maybe I've become so used to presenting a false self that I'm not comfortable letting people see the real me. Like I'm afraid that they've all liked the false face so much that they wont like the real one. I guess its kinda like girls that find themselves without makeup.
I think its likely a combination of both of these things.
Oh, and I've got kids from my pre comp team trying to add me on facebook... I'm not sure if thats a good idea. A little help?
Second, I'm really hoping my friends decide we are going dancing again tommorrow. I had a blast last time and I think I'll do much better at the whole thing now that I've had time to get good and cozy with it!
I was telling a friend about the whole experience and she pointed out that it was really odd that I relaxed once they pulled me up onto the stage to dance.
I have a few theories. One: I did a decent bit of preforming when I was in middle and highschool. Being on stage is where I first started learning how to conquer my fears. Second: Most of my life has been one giant performance. For years I did everything I could to keep my family/ward convinced that I was just like everybody else. I walked the walk, talked the talk; but I thought a different thought and definately hated walking and talking the way I was expected to. So, maybe I've become so used to presenting a false self that I'm not comfortable letting people see the real me. Like I'm afraid that they've all liked the false face so much that they wont like the real one. I guess its kinda like girls that find themselves without makeup.
I think its likely a combination of both of these things.
Oh, and I've got kids from my pre comp team trying to add me on facebook... I'm not sure if thats a good idea. A little help?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
That time of day
Some of you will get it others wont. To those who dont I say: Dont worry about it, I could explain but you still wouldnt get it. To everyone else: I'm sorry but I had too!
The clock, high on the wall
It says that the time is nigh
Nine o' clock is here.
Time for those few brave souls
To venture out,
boldy into
infested waters.
Ineed, the water is
Seething with all manner of beasts
Some tall, some short
A few thin
Depressingly many fat
Some snotty
others terrified
And still others
To energetic and confident for their own good
or yours for that matter.
Yes these brave souls venture forth
Into the sea of children
grumbling at the words
"Hey guys, its that time of day... again"
Oh how I long to say those words again, and again, and again. Untill they are once again the reason I have three seprate flip-flop marks on me! Summer is so much better than this foul and never ending winter! Why does it have to be so long in coming? Why so short its stay?
It must be some plot. Yes a plot to make the lives of the pool dwellers ever more miserable.
The clock, high on the wall
It says that the time is nigh
Nine o' clock is here.
Time for those few brave souls
To venture out,
boldy into
infested waters.
Ineed, the water is
Seething with all manner of beasts
Some tall, some short
A few thin
Depressingly many fat
Some snotty
others terrified
And still others
To energetic and confident for their own good
or yours for that matter.
Yes these brave souls venture forth
Into the sea of children
grumbling at the words
"Hey guys, its that time of day... again"
Oh how I long to say those words again, and again, and again. Untill they are once again the reason I have three seprate flip-flop marks on me! Summer is so much better than this foul and never ending winter! Why does it have to be so long in coming? Why so short its stay?
It must be some plot. Yes a plot to make the lives of the pool dwellers ever more miserable.
List of things that could be bad:
- Bursting into dance because you hear a song that you danced with a cute guy too, while your mother is in the car....
- Mom knowing you danced with a guy... yeah that would be bad potentially.
- Going to work and having one of your friends/the lifeguard say: "I can tell you went clubbing friday" in front of the kids.
- Bursting into dance while trying to coach swim team. Funny but potentially counter productive. (Particularly when a mother has told you to move to Cali. and become a dancer.)
- Laughing at friends boy toy because he's going through withdrawl. While giving her that look that says... "I told you not to date him..." especially when he's got a cold anyway... :)
- Mom finding out about this blog... Definately not a happy thought! Then how would I talk to everyone but her?
.... I cant think of much else thats applicable to me today...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Just Dance!
Some of my friends from highschool found me again recently. Under charges of being antisocial they abducted me friday night. (The night before Singles Awarness day) Where did they take me? What do they do with me? They took me clubbing.
Initially I was rather... nervous about the whole idea. Me+unknown territory+large groups of unknown people= a very skittish and nervous me.
But well there are some really weird things that happen at clubs apparently. Like the tendency to run into other people you went to highschool with, who just happen to have brought along a friend or two.
Then there are the people that you have no clue who they are that simply appear out of no where. Like this one:
I was kinda sorta dancing, not with anyone in particular, just hangin with some people I already knew. This Hispanic girl comes out of no where! She just walked right up to me and starts going: "You too shy! You need to dance! C'mon its easy you just gotta move you body with the beat." and starts dancing with me. Next thing I know she's somehow managed to pivot me and back me up against one of the guys that one of my highschool friends had introduced me too. It was kinda funny if a bit unnerving. After a few seconds she said "You guys are beautiful!" Laughed and disapeared just as suddenly as she appeared.
The really sad part about this whole thing is that... the guy she made me dance with was apparently "Diggin" me. I didnt notice, until after we left and my abducters pointed it out to me. I feel kinda stupid I didnt even really catch his name, and we didnt really talk much; but he did follow me if I moved. Totally didnt even see it. He had the unfortunate abillity to make me feel completely at ease with him instantly. So I didnt really see him. Sad.
Just before we left I managed to really loosen up and start enjoying myself. This is about the time I got dragged up onto the stage by my friends. Which may just be the reason I did relax, suddenly I was performing. I had a blast, saved my friend from some bizzarre drunk guy. He was kinda hot, but drunk. Complete turn off for both of us. So I stole my friend and we danced.
Down side to this whole thing is that now I'm having some issues not bursting into dance when I hear a decent beat... I think I'd forgotten how much I loved dance in highschool. And having been able to dance with people that I may actually be interested in was very nice. I wanna go again.
Initially I was rather... nervous about the whole idea. Me+unknown territory+large groups of unknown people= a very skittish and nervous me.
But well there are some really weird things that happen at clubs apparently. Like the tendency to run into other people you went to highschool with, who just happen to have brought along a friend or two.
Then there are the people that you have no clue who they are that simply appear out of no where. Like this one:
I was kinda sorta dancing, not with anyone in particular, just hangin with some people I already knew. This Hispanic girl comes out of no where! She just walked right up to me and starts going: "You too shy! You need to dance! C'mon its easy you just gotta move you body with the beat." and starts dancing with me. Next thing I know she's somehow managed to pivot me and back me up against one of the guys that one of my highschool friends had introduced me too. It was kinda funny if a bit unnerving. After a few seconds she said "You guys are beautiful!" Laughed and disapeared just as suddenly as she appeared.
The really sad part about this whole thing is that... the guy she made me dance with was apparently "Diggin" me. I didnt notice, until after we left and my abducters pointed it out to me. I feel kinda stupid I didnt even really catch his name, and we didnt really talk much; but he did follow me if I moved. Totally didnt even see it. He had the unfortunate abillity to make me feel completely at ease with him instantly. So I didnt really see him. Sad.
Just before we left I managed to really loosen up and start enjoying myself. This is about the time I got dragged up onto the stage by my friends. Which may just be the reason I did relax, suddenly I was performing. I had a blast, saved my friend from some bizzarre drunk guy. He was kinda hot, but drunk. Complete turn off for both of us. So I stole my friend and we danced.
Down side to this whole thing is that now I'm having some issues not bursting into dance when I hear a decent beat... I think I'd forgotten how much I loved dance in highschool. And having been able to dance with people that I may actually be interested in was very nice. I wanna go again.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Is it that other time of the year yet?
Good grief! I hate this time of year! Without fail there is something at this time of year that causes some severe exhaustion of all types. I'm ready for it to be over. Granted, high school swim is over, well it is for my kids anyway. Theres a dram of joy.
Ok, I may be overstating things a little. Region was a blast from the past. Several of the kids that I worked with personally did very well. Our distance swimmer even took eigth in his event, if I remember correctly. The only real problem with the whole thing was that it was so exhausting. I felt as if I had been swimming in the meet again, rather than just simply helping everyone stay calm and nearly losing my voice!
The day after was a very bittersweet day for all of us on the JV team. It was the end of 'our' team. Coach Poole likely will not be with us next year, and most if not all of our swimmers will move on to varsity. None of which is a bad thing, it just means that we will never have a year like this again. I think that most of us enjoyed this season in ways that we didnt think we could. Even the old veterans of all things swim team couldn't have anticipated everything that happened. even through the rough we came together and make it a positive experience for everyone. Everyone who put effort in that is.
As one last huzzah for the year the kids made sure that Poole and I ended up in the pool. It was great fun, and they were very considerate about the whole thing. They gave us plenty of warning, and asked several times if we had removed our cell phones and other such devices from our persons. They even gave me time to take off a nice shirt that I really didnt want getting ruined by chlorine. Admittedly.... several of the boys are near six feet tall and they were lifting the chairs we were sitting on above their heads. That was a little scary. Did you know that jeans grow when they get soaked? You do now. I'm almost positive someone got pictures and or video of what happened. If I can I might put those up here... maybe.
As part of my attempt to change things in life, I decided to give myself a new look. Its not so far off what has happened in the past, however, this time instead of letting sun and chlorine do the the work over several monts. Nope this time I went to a friend going to cosmetology school and said hey do something with my hair. She was very excited about the whole thing. Especially after she started coloring my hair.
Yeppers! I know have blonde highlights. I've also decided that the next time I do this, I will have them dye my hair darker than my natural color; maybe even black. That way the contrast will be a little more clear.
Either way, she really liked it. No one else has seen it in person, though there are a few that have seen pictures of it. We'll have to wait and see how things go over the next week or so. I ran into an old friend from highschool that is determined to get me out onto the social scene again. So in theory I'll be out and about. Stepping out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, maybe a few cuties even. Well... I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one.
This whole stepping out into the world thing has me worried though. Last time I was social on a regular basis it was because of school, and I didnt have much choice. But since graduation, I've felt as though the system no longer has a firm hold on me. The system 'them' 'the experts' and so forth can no longer dictate the pages of my life to me. Page by page right down to how certain phrases and paragraphs were written. It used to be that I would wake up and I would know that I would go to school and usually find myself drifting into my own thoughts because it wasnt a challenge to me; and without that challenge I did not find the purpose of being there. Other, than that the system said I had to be there.
Since leaving highschool though, I have been able to write my own story. With minimal interference from the outside world. Sure, I still have to work and obey the laws etc. But I've never had a problem with any of that...
I guess what I'm tryng to say is that I'm kinda scared to be social. At heart I've always been a loner. I dont object to being with others, but I never really put any effort into making sure that I am with someone. One of those, "Oh, you wanna hang out? We're going somewhere? Ok" type of deals.
As I set forth into this new world where the rules are no longer set I find that really I want someone special to share it with. Someone who will wrap their arms around me tell me that I'm more than enough for them, but will still make me want to be more. Do more. Yet I'm scared stiff of leaving the house to go find someone like that. New people just... scare me, they are unknown a variable in a world that once had to be completely figured out; everyone carefully studied and made to be mundane and pretictable, just so I could survive. Now I'm going to go find people who throw the whole scheme of things out of order. Crazy eh?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Prayers for Bobby
This movie premiered on Liftime not too long ago, two weeks sounds about right. Anyway it was a fantastically good movie! I will admit that it took me three or four days to watch the whole thing.
It was showing on Saturday night, about the same time as another movie I wanted to see, and one that would be more palatable for my family, so I recorded "Prayers for Bobby" and watched the other movie.
Sunday morning I was already in a bit of an emotional state, Megan, a friend of mine that hung herself in her barn our junior year had come for a visit the prievious night. So with that in mind I settled down to watch "Prayers" a movie about how a mother comes to terms with the fact that she drove her gay son to suicide and later becomes a gay rights leader. All while my family was safely away at church.
Sunday morning I was already in a bit of an emotional state, Megan, a friend of mine that hung herself in her barn our junior year had come for a visit the prievious night. So with that in mind I settled down to watch "Prayers" a movie about how a mother comes to terms with the fact that she drove her gay son to suicide and later becomes a gay rights leader. All while my family was safely away at church.
I would have been ok, if I hadnt connected with Bobby (The son) instantly on a very deep level. The first scene of the movie is a teaser of the climax, where he walks out onto a highway overpass and throws himself over the edge into the path of a huge eighteen wheeler traveling at speed.
Oh I was already crying, maybe twenty seconds in I was starting to go over the edge. I managed to sufficently distract myself by cleaning the kitchen up till the point of the actual suicide. By then I knew that I was on the verge of a massive emotional breakdown. I turned it off. If my family noticed that I had been crying all morning, they thankfully didnt say anything.
Monday morning, between school and work, I watched through the funeral. I have never gone from crying uncontrollably to ready to kill someone so fast!
Bobbys boyfriend, David, offers his condolances to Bobbys parents. Mary (mom and religous fanatic) barely shook his hand. David is barely holding it together as he tells them "He was an amazing young man" and you know what Mary does?! Oh she waits till he leaves and takes the dishes he had used, threw them away and proceeded to scrub her hands! Its lucky I cant throw fire, there might not be a house left!
Well at that point I only had a few minutes before I had to go to work, my mom is getting out of the shower and I'm red-eyed and ready to destroy anyone who even slightly irks me. I turn it off and try to calm down.
Tuesday passes, I'm so stuck in the movie I just cant stop thinking about it. Originally I think that there is no possible way for me to forgive Mary Griffith. (This is based on a real life story) How she could have destroyed such a sweet and charming life! Not even thinking about the fact that its her son, or that what finally threw him off the edge was the explosive end of a relationship that he had cherished! All he had wanted was to be close to his family! But he was unnacceptable. Period. His sister Joy summed it up well when she said "I hope you find a really nice guy, Bobby, but its going to be a very lonely life. You wont be welcome here. Not at Christmas, Thanksgiving, ever."
How the HELL can you do that to your son? The one you were partial to none the less?!
Come Wednesday, I downloaded the movie from Itunes and settled down in my room to watch, while my family thought I was taking a nap. Again another fortunate thought, as dad came to ask me to babysit and attributed the swolen eyes to sleep.
By that night I had seen the whole movie. I had changed my position on Mary's fate after watching the resulting agony and despair that she experienced. I was no longer set on her dammnation, just glad it wasnt up to me, I didnt know what to do. Now? Now after having watched many upon many of times I can honestly say that I do forgive her. I think that what she went through afterwards was pennance enough.
I have since bought the book and am laboring to read through it. I find that but for a few circumstances, Bobby and I are almost the same person.
Bobby was timid, as I usually am in public. Eloquent in his writting in a way that I long to be. In fact, the only real difference I can find between our personalities is that he had an overwhelming need to be accepted by his family. He NEEDED to be close to them, it was the heart of his existence, and its what eventually drove him to the end.
Myself? My attitude there is very different. I stopped taking my parents word for things by the time I was ten. There was a lot going on at the time, and I wasnt always payed close attention too. So I learned how to be independent in regards to many things. I dont need to be close to my family. It would be nice, but I know that if something where to happen, I would be able to survive and find a way without them. Depressing? Incredibly. Also incredibly true.
But the movie brought up a few things that I thought I had made my peace with. Yet, as I discover how much alike Bobby and I are there are a few things that I realize I haven't truely made my peace with. Not completely.
One entry in Bobbys diary describes me so accurately that the paranoid side of myself wonders if someone has been stalking my thoughts and merely presented them in a slightly different person:
"If I could have one thing in this world, anything. I would have a beautiful man to love me. Just to have a pretty man hug and gently kiss me.... I daydream that one day I'll be casualy strolling through the store or the park and from out of nowhere will appear my dream man and our eyes will meet and we'll live happily ever after. Too bad I have to be such a hopeless romantic."
To those that know me, this sounds like something I would say, the wording may be off, but the longing and the feeling, are all the same.
Well, then I think about that comment from Joy, "You'll never be welcome here... ever." I had thought that I was ok with never being able to bring someone special home. Thought being the operative word. I honestly thought that I was ok with cutting off almost all ties with my family. In fact, until after graduation, its what I had wanted. In the intervening year my feelings have changed. Still, I thought I would be ok with never coming home to my family, that I could get along with just his family. Or if need be, just him.
I still think that if need be I can do that, but I realize now that it would really bother me, and it would be a source of discontent in my life regardless of how happily in love I am. It seems this year is just full of astonishing revelations about myself.
This movie, and the book (from what I've been able to read thus far) were very skillfully put together. Ryan Kelley, who plays Bobby, was perfect wonderful! I feel that even if I had read the book before seeing the movie I would have no trouble visualizing Ryan as Bobby. He really got into the acting and he did such a wonderful job! He has officially moved to the top of my list of favorite actors! (As you can all tell by the fact that I remember his name!)
Scott Bailey, was absolutely stunning in his performance of David. Bobbys boyfriend. They didnt really give him much of a part to work with, they cast it as a small role, but he made it seem like a giant thing. I'm sure it was for Bobby. He came home from the visit to Portland, where they met and told his mom, despite her best efforts to stop him, "His name is David, and he treats me well. It feels good when I'm with David."
An interesting fact that gives him so many more points in my book, he's straight. But he did such an amazing job being the boyfriend, honestly the relationship those two depict is almost everything I want. They really are a gorgeous couple!
He even wrote an essay on the movie and gave it to Lifetime. Its truely amazing and I think everyone should read it! Heres a link: http://www.afterelton.com/blog/brianjuergens/straight-actor-gay-education-scott-bailey-on-his-prayers-for-bobby-experience
My heart goes out to all the actors and crewmembers that worked on this film! Thank you soo verry much for all of your thought love and effort! It was a truely monumental thing that you did! Mary, thank you for sharing your story, and for your patience with all of us who are too quick to judge. I love you, every last one of you!
(As an afterthought, All of the photos here are from http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/movies/photos-prayers-bobby#id=1 I really aplaud everyone who worked on this!)
The Real Deal: a reason.
Ok, I've decided to take a new path to approaching life. This blog will hopefully help me achieve such an end. Due to a few reasons, (one being that blogger no longer matches my old blog with the address and password combo) I have started this entirely new blog.
In the past, I've been reclusive, cryptic and down right secretive. Well looking at how things are currently... I've decided that maybe thats not the way to do it. At least not anymore. The path before me is one that terrifies and and energizes me in a way that I have never before encountered. Now it is my goal to endeavor to allow the parts of me that have always been kept hidden in some dark corner of my mind to experience the light. We'll see how it all goes! Hopefully this will also serve as a means of communication between myself and those that know me personally. A place where I can tell them things that I would otherwise be incapable of telling them. I'm really hoping this all works out the way I want it to.
Now that that is out of the way... For those that are stumbling upon this blog and know nothing of the old one: I volunteer coach for my old highschools swim team. Tommorrow is Region, oh goody! I started to remember why I disliked this time of year a few weeks ago, when the sudden urge to do away with the larger portion of the team struck. Its been six long months of struggle, here in Utah swim season is the longest of all sports. Six months. My view, (after having surrvived now five years of it.) is that anyone who can stick out doing a full body workout for two hours a day for six months deserves some serious recognition.
Not many people realize that swimming is such a difficult sport, but then again not many can even pretend to do the dolphin kick much less a fully fledged butterfly. Yes six months straight is difficult, but thats not even the half of it.
Six months of putting up with the same six or seven people for two hours a day... crowded around you all trying to hear the coach over the roar of the ventilation (My team swims in a bubble, meaning that it converts to an outdoor pool in the summer.) dealing with that same kid who comes twenty minutes after workout starts and wants to lead the lane because he's faster for a few minutes.... putting up with any number of annoying habits and personality traits THATS the hard part. Adding the fact that maybe your a first year swimmer and may just have a little bit of insecurity in your body image meaning that your half naked around people you might just want to date for two hours a day, in close quarters... rough.
But tommorrow it all ends. At least for the JV. (well it might not, there are a few that if they are in the zone will make it to state) Oh! It wont be the happy ending your all thinking of though! Nope, it will be a day full of stress to the max! Kids panicking that they dont know a stroke well enough or maybe just barely realizing that hey I slacked off all year and now I need to do a hundred yards freestyle in under a minute...
It'll be sooooo much fun!
In the past, I've been reclusive, cryptic and down right secretive. Well looking at how things are currently... I've decided that maybe thats not the way to do it. At least not anymore. The path before me is one that terrifies and and energizes me in a way that I have never before encountered. Now it is my goal to endeavor to allow the parts of me that have always been kept hidden in some dark corner of my mind to experience the light. We'll see how it all goes! Hopefully this will also serve as a means of communication between myself and those that know me personally. A place where I can tell them things that I would otherwise be incapable of telling them. I'm really hoping this all works out the way I want it to.
Now that that is out of the way... For those that are stumbling upon this blog and know nothing of the old one: I volunteer coach for my old highschools swim team. Tommorrow is Region, oh goody! I started to remember why I disliked this time of year a few weeks ago, when the sudden urge to do away with the larger portion of the team struck. Its been six long months of struggle, here in Utah swim season is the longest of all sports. Six months. My view, (after having surrvived now five years of it.) is that anyone who can stick out doing a full body workout for two hours a day for six months deserves some serious recognition.
Not many people realize that swimming is such a difficult sport, but then again not many can even pretend to do the dolphin kick much less a fully fledged butterfly. Yes six months straight is difficult, but thats not even the half of it.
Six months of putting up with the same six or seven people for two hours a day... crowded around you all trying to hear the coach over the roar of the ventilation (My team swims in a bubble, meaning that it converts to an outdoor pool in the summer.) dealing with that same kid who comes twenty minutes after workout starts and wants to lead the lane because he's faster for a few minutes.... putting up with any number of annoying habits and personality traits THATS the hard part. Adding the fact that maybe your a first year swimmer and may just have a little bit of insecurity in your body image meaning that your half naked around people you might just want to date for two hours a day, in close quarters... rough.
But tommorrow it all ends. At least for the JV. (well it might not, there are a few that if they are in the zone will make it to state) Oh! It wont be the happy ending your all thinking of though! Nope, it will be a day full of stress to the max! Kids panicking that they dont know a stroke well enough or maybe just barely realizing that hey I slacked off all year and now I need to do a hundred yards freestyle in under a minute...
It'll be sooooo much fun!
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