Well this could get good, or it could go south.

I went clubbing again last night. Determined to be relaxed and looking like someone that you could just come up to and start chatting/and/or dancing with. I did not succeed completely but close enough.
I did succeed completely in several other areas though. Meeting someone new: check, actually talking and starting to get to know him: check, getting a number: check.
It was actually a really interesting story and involves another of those girls that come out of no where and you suddenly end up dancing with this guy. This time however, I know exactly what happened I did get his name (obviously as I do have his number now) and I know a few things about him.
He's really cute, a little taller than me with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Thin but in that 'I'm one solid muscle' way. He was shy at first, but after a song or two he really relaxed and turned out to be a really sweet guy.
These are all the reasons this could end up being very good. But there may be one or two problems.
He was tipsy. I wouldnt have known if he hadn't told me, but there you go. I always told myself that I wouldnt date a guy that drank, and I'm not sure if I should revise that rule slightly. It's not like he was so drunk he was another person than he normally is. I'm pretty sure (Could be wrong) that drink starts to affect your balance before it does anything serious with your personality, and his balance was definetly better than mine last night.
He tells me that its not a regular thing for him, just that he wouldnt "have the courage to dance with anyone" without it. Which given how shy he was at the begining of the night, I can believe it. He was tipsy before he got there.
Also, he gets points for being honest and up-front with me. We sat down at one point and he asked me if I was under the influence of anything. I gave him the obvious answer: "No, I get into enough trouble without that kinda stuff" He looked a little suprised, but he got over it and asked if I minded that he was a little tipsy. Being that he was being perfectly respectful and not at all "I'm horny lets get it on" I told him that I didnt mind. Like I said though, I'm not entirely sure if I can date him because of it.... maybe going over the top?
The second problem is that its a possibility that he does other stuff, all his friends were smokers, who after they realized that A: I wasnt breathing, and B: that I can't handel cigarrette smoke; very politely moved down wind and did what they could to avoid blowing any my direction. Very considerate people. He (We'll call him ryan) didnt smoke with them though, even before he found out my aversion, which means its possible he doesnt smoke. Right?
One of the best parts of the whole thing though, is that he's easy to just be with. Half the time we were just sitting on one of the couches, just sitting together, he put an arm around my shoulder. Didn't even really talk. It's nice to be able to just be with someone without filling the silence with needless chatter.

Oh! I also talked to the girl who intorduced me to 'mystery' boy last time, she says that he wants my number so I gave it to her and I guess we'll see what happens there.

Life could really be more ...

First of all, I really hate this weather. Taunting me with spring for this long is just not nice! Life would be so much more fun if it decided a too be warm outside! It would be so much more comfortable. I'm really starting to get claustrophobic with all these long sleeves and long pants and socks and shoes! To say nothing of being trapped inside all the time!
Second, I'm really hoping my friends decide we are going dancing again tommorrow. I had a blast last time and I think I'll do much better at the whole thing now that I've had time to get good and cozy with it!
I was telling a friend about the whole experience and she pointed out that it was really odd that I relaxed once they pulled me up onto the stage to dance.
I have a few theories. One: I did a decent bit of preforming when I was in middle and highschool. Being on stage is where I first started learning how to conquer my fears. Second: Most of my life has been one giant performance. For years I did everything I could to keep my family/ward convinced that I was just like everybody else. I walked the walk, talked the talk; but I thought a different thought and definately hated walking and talking the way I was expected to. So, maybe I've become so used to presenting a false self that I'm not comfortable letting people see the real me. Like I'm afraid that they've all liked the false face so much that they wont like the real one. I guess its kinda like girls that find themselves without makeup.
I think its likely a combination of both of these things.
Oh, and I've got kids from my pre comp team trying to add me on facebook... I'm not sure if thats a good idea. A little help?

That time of day

Some of you will get it others wont. To those who dont I say: Dont worry about it, I could explain but you still wouldnt get it. To everyone else: I'm sorry but I had too!
The clock, high on the wall
It says that the time is nigh
Nine o' clock is here.
Time for those few brave souls
To venture out,
boldy into
infested waters.
Ineed, the water is
Seething with all manner of beasts
Some tall, some short
A few thin
Depressingly many fat
Some snotty
others terrified
And still others
To energetic and confident for their own good
or yours for that matter.
Yes these brave souls venture forth
Into the sea of children
grumbling at the words
"Hey guys, its that time of day... again"

Oh how I long to say those words again, and again, and again. Untill they are once again the reason I have three seprate flip-flop marks on me! Summer is so much better than this foul and never ending winter! Why does it have to be so long in coming? Why so short its stay?
It must be some plot. Yes a plot to make the lives of the pool dwellers ever more miserable.

List of things that could be bad:

1. Bursting into dance because you hear a song that you danced with a cute guy too, while your mother is in the car....
2. Mom knowing you danced with a guy... yeah that would be bad potentially.
3. Going to work and having one of your friends/the lifeguard say: "I can tell you went clubbing friday" in front of the kids.
4. Bursting into dance while trying to coach swim team. Funny but potentially counter productive. (Particularly when a mother has told you to move to Cali. and become a dancer.)
5. Laughing at friends boy toy because he's going through withdrawl. While giving her that look that says... "I told you not to date him..." especially when he's got a cold anyway... :)
6. Mom finding out about this blog... Definately not a happy thought! Then how would I talk to everyone but her?

.... I cant think of much else thats applicable to me today...

Just Dance!

Some of my friends from highschool found me again recently. Under charges of being antisocial they abducted me friday night. (The night before Singles Awarness day) Where did they take me? What do they do with me? They took me clubbing.
Initially I was rather... nervous about the whole idea. Me+unknown territory+large groups of unknown people= a very skittish and nervous me.
But well there are some really weird things that happen at clubs apparently. Like the tendency to run into other people you went to highschool with, who just happen to have brought along a friend or two.
Then there are the people that you have no clue who they are that simply appear out of no where. Like this one:
I was kinda sorta dancing, not with anyone in particular, just hangin with some people I already knew. This Hispanic girl comes out of no where! She just walked right up to me and starts going: "You too shy! You need to dance! C'mon its easy you just gotta move you body with the beat." and starts dancing with me. Next thing I know she's somehow managed to pivot me and back me up against one of the guys that one of my highschool friends had introduced me too. It was kinda funny if a bit unnerving. After a few seconds she said "You guys are beautiful!" Laughed and disapeared just as suddenly as she appeared.
The really sad part about this whole thing is that... the guy she made me dance with was apparently "Diggin" me. I didnt notice, until after we left and my abducters pointed it out to me. I feel kinda stupid I didnt even really catch his name, and we didnt really talk much; but he did follow me if I moved. Totally didnt even see it. He had the unfortunate abillity to make me feel completely at ease with him instantly. So I didnt really see him. Sad.
Just before we left I managed to really loosen up and start enjoying myself. This is about the time I got dragged up onto the stage by my friends. Which may just be the reason I did relax, suddenly I was performing. I had a blast, saved my friend from some bizzarre drunk guy. He was kinda hot, but drunk. Complete turn off for both of us. So I stole my friend and we danced.
Down side to this whole thing is that now I'm having some issues not bursting into dance when I hear a decent beat... I think I'd forgotten how much I loved dance in highschool. And having been able to dance with people that I may actually be interested in was very nice. I wanna go again.

Is it that other time of the year yet?

Good grief! I hate this time of year! Without fail there is something at this time of year that causes some severe exhaustion of all types. I'm ready for it to be over. Granted, high school swim is over, well it is for my kids anyway. Theres a dram of joy.

Ok, I may be overstating things a little. Region was a blast from the past. Several of the kids that I worked with personally did very well. Our distance swimmer even took eigth in his event, if I remember correctly. The only real problem with the whole thing was that it was so exhausting. I felt as if I had been swimming in the meet again, rather than just simply helping everyone stay calm and nearly losing my voice!

The day after was a very bittersweet day for all of us on the JV team. It was the end of 'our' team. Coach Poole likely will not be with us next year, and most if not all of our swimmers will move on to varsity. None of which is a bad thing, it just means that we will never have a year like this again. I think that most of us enjoyed this season in ways that we didnt think we could. Even the old veterans of all things swim team couldn't have anticipated everything that happened. even through the rough we came together and make it a positive experience for everyone. Everyone who put effort in that is.

As one last huzzah for the year the kids made sure that Poole and I ended up in the pool. It was great fun, and they were very considerate about the whole thing. They gave us plenty of warning, and asked several times if we had removed our cell phones and other such devices from our persons. They even gave me time to take off a nice shirt that I really didnt want getting ruined by chlorine. Admittedly.... several of the boys are near six feet tall and they were lifting the chairs we were sitting on above their heads. That was a little scary. Did you know that jeans grow when they get soaked? You do now. I'm almost positive someone got pictures and or video of what happened. If I can I might put those up here... maybe.

As part of my attempt to change things in life, I decided to give myself a new look. Its not so far off what has happened in the past, however, this time instead of letting sun and chlorine do the the work over several monts. Nope this time I went to a friend going to cosmetology school and said hey do something with my hair. She was very excited about the whole thing. Especially after she started coloring my hair.

Yeppers! I know have blonde highlights. I've also decided that the next time I do this, I will have them dye my hair darker than my natural color; maybe even black. That way the contrast will be a little more clear.

Either way, she really liked it. No one else has seen it in person, though there are a few that have seen pictures of it. We'll have to wait and see how things go over the next week or so. I ran into an old friend from highschool that is determined to get me out onto the social scene again. So in theory I'll be out and about. Stepping out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, maybe a few cuties even. Well... I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one.

This whole stepping out into the world thing has me worried though. Last time I was social on a regular basis it was because of school, and I didnt have much choice. But since graduation, I've felt as though the system no longer has a firm hold on me. The system 'them' 'the experts' and so forth can no longer dictate the pages of my life to me. Page by page right down to how certain phrases and paragraphs were written. It used to be that I would wake up and I would know that I would go to school and usually find myself drifting into my own thoughts because it wasnt a challenge to me; and without that challenge I did not find the purpose of being there. Other, than that the system said I had to be there.

Since leaving highschool though, I have been able to write my own story. With minimal interference from the outside world. Sure, I still have to work and obey the laws etc. But I've never had a problem with any of that...

I guess what I'm tryng to say is that I'm kinda scared to be social. At heart I've always been a loner. I dont object to being with others, but I never really put any effort into making sure that I am with someone. One of those, "Oh, you wanna hang out? We're going somewhere? Ok" type of deals.

As I set forth into this new world where the rules are no longer set I find that really I want someone special to share it with. Someone who will wrap their arms around me tell me that I'm more than enough for them, but will still make me want to be more. Do more. Yet I'm scared stiff of leaving the house to go find someone like that. New people just... scare me, they are unknown a variable in a world that once had to be completely figured out; everyone carefully studied and made to be mundane and pretictable, just so I could survive. Now I'm going to go find people who throw the whole scheme of things out of order. Crazy eh?

Prayers for Bobby

This movie premiered on Liftime not too long ago, two weeks sounds about right. Anyway it was a fantastically good movie! I will admit that it took me three or four days to watch the whole thing.

It was showing on Saturday night, about the same time as another movie I wanted to see, and one that would be more palatable for my family, so I recorded "Prayers for Bobby" and watched the other movie.
Sunday morning I was already in a bit of an emotional state, Megan, a friend of mine that hung herself in her barn our junior year had come for a visit the prievious night. So with that in mind I settled down to watch "Prayers" a movie about how a mother comes to terms with the fact that she drove her gay son to suicide and later becomes a gay rights leader. All while my family was safely away at church.

I would have been ok, if I hadnt connected with Bobby (The son) instantly on a very deep level. The first scene of the movie is a teaser of the climax, where he walks out onto a highway overpass and throws himself over the edge into the path of a huge eighteen wheeler traveling at speed.

Oh I was already crying, maybe twenty seconds in I was starting to go over the edge. I managed to sufficently distract myself by cleaning the kitchen up till the point of the actual suicide. By then I knew that I was on the verge of a massive emotional breakdown. I turned it off. If my family noticed that I had been crying all morning, they thankfully didnt say anything.

Monday morning, between school and work, I watched through the funeral. I have never gone from crying uncontrollably to ready to kill someone so fast!

Bobbys boyfriend, David, offers his condolances to Bobbys parents. Mary (mom and religous fanatic) barely shook his hand. David is barely holding it together as he tells them "He was an amazing young man" and you know what Mary does?! Oh she waits till he leaves and takes the dishes he had used, threw them away and proceeded to scrub her hands! Its lucky I cant throw fire, there might not be a house left!

Well at that point I only had a few minutes before I had to go to work, my mom is getting out of the shower and I'm red-eyed and ready to destroy anyone who even slightly irks me. I turn it off and try to calm down.

Tuesday passes, I'm so stuck in the movie I just cant stop thinking about it. Originally I think that there is no possible way for me to forgive Mary Griffith. (This is based on a real life story) How she could have destroyed such a sweet and charming life! Not even thinking about the fact that its her son, or that what finally threw him off the edge was the explosive end of a relationship that he had cherished! All he had wanted was to be close to his family! But he was unnacceptable. Period. His sister Joy summed it up well when she said "I hope you find a really nice guy, Bobby, but its going to be a very lonely life. You wont be welcome here. Not at Christmas, Thanksgiving, ever."

How the HELL can you do that to your son? The one you were partial to none the less?!

Come Wednesday, I downloaded the movie from Itunes and settled down in my room to watch, while my family thought I was taking a nap. Again another fortunate thought, as dad came to ask me to babysit and attributed the swolen eyes to sleep.

By that night I had seen the whole movie. I had changed my position on Mary's fate after watching the resulting agony and despair that she experienced. I was no longer set on her dammnation, just glad it wasnt up to me, I didnt know what to do. Now? Now after having watched many upon many of times I can honestly say that I do forgive her. I think that what she went through afterwards was pennance enough.

I have since bought the book and am laboring to read through it. I find that but for a few circumstances, Bobby and I are almost the same person.

Bobby was timid, as I usually am in public. Eloquent in his writting in a way that I long to be. In fact, the only real difference I can find between our personalities is that he had an overwhelming need to be accepted by his family. He NEEDED to be close to them, it was the heart of his existence, and its what eventually drove him to the end.

Myself? My attitude there is very different. I stopped taking my parents word for things by the time I was ten. There was a lot going on at the time, and I wasnt always payed close attention too. So I learned how to be independent in regards to many things. I dont need to be close to my family. It would be nice, but I know that if something where to happen, I would be able to survive and find a way without them. Depressing? Incredibly. Also incredibly true.

But the movie brought up a few things that I thought I had made my peace with. Yet, as I discover how much alike Bobby and I are there are a few things that I realize I haven't truely made my peace with. Not completely.

One entry in Bobbys diary describes me so accurately that the paranoid side of myself wonders if someone has been stalking my thoughts and merely presented them in a slightly different person:

"If I could have one thing in this world, anything. I would have a beautiful man to love me. Just to have a pretty man hug and gently kiss me.... I daydream that one day I'll be casualy strolling through the store or the park and from out of nowhere will appear my dream man and our eyes will meet and we'll live happily ever after. Too bad I have to be such a hopeless romantic."

To those that know me, this sounds like something I would say, the wording may be off, but the longing and the feeling, are all the same.

Well, then I think about that comment from Joy, "You'll never be welcome here... ever." I had thought that I was ok with never being able to bring someone special home. Thought being the operative word. I honestly thought that I was ok with cutting off almost all ties with my family. In fact, until after graduation, its what I had wanted. In the intervening year my feelings have changed. Still, I thought I would be ok with never coming home to my family, that I could get along with just his family. Or if need be, just him.

I still think that if need be I can do that, but I realize now that it would really bother me, and it would be a source of discontent in my life regardless of how happily in love I am. It seems this year is just full of astonishing revelations about myself.

This movie, and the book (from what I've been able to read thus far) were very skillfully put together. Ryan Kelley, who plays Bobby, was perfect wonderful! I feel that even if I had read the book before seeing the movie I would have no trouble visualizing Ryan as Bobby. He really got into the acting and he did such a wonderful job! He has officially moved to the top of my list of favorite actors! (As you can all tell by the fact that I remember his name!)

Scott Bailey, was absolutely stunning in his performance of David. Bobbys boyfriend. They didnt really give him much of a part to work with, they cast it as a small role, but he made it seem like a giant thing. I'm sure it was for Bobby. He came home from the visit to Portland, where they met and told his mom, despite her best efforts to stop him, "His name is David, and he treats me well. It feels good when I'm with David."

An interesting fact that gives him so many more points in my book, he's straight. But he did such an amazing job being the boyfriend, honestly the relationship those two depict is almost everything I want. They really are a gorgeous couple!

He even wrote an essay on the movie and gave it to Lifetime. Its truely amazing and I think everyone should read it! Heres a link: http://www.afterelton.com/blog/brianjuergens/straight-actor-gay-education-scott-bailey-on-his-prayers-for-bobby-experience

My heart goes out to all the actors and crewmembers that worked on this film! Thank you soo verry much for all of your thought love and effort! It was a truely monumental thing that you did! Mary, thank you for sharing your story, and for your patience with all of us who are too quick to judge. I love you, every last one of you!

(As an afterthought, All of the photos here are from http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/movies/photos-prayers-bobby#id=1 I really aplaud everyone who worked on this!)

The Real Deal: a reason.

Ok, I've decided to take a new path to approaching life. This blog will hopefully help me achieve such an end. Due to a few reasons, (one being that blogger no longer matches my old blog with the address and password combo) I have started this entirely new blog.
In the past, I've been reclusive, cryptic and down right secretive. Well looking at how things are currently... I've decided that maybe thats not the way to do it. At least not anymore. The path before me is one that terrifies and and energizes me in a way that I have never before encountered. Now it is my goal to endeavor to allow the parts of me that have always been kept hidden in some dark corner of my mind to experience the light. We'll see how it all goes! Hopefully this will also serve as a means of communication between myself and those that know me personally. A place where I can tell them things that I would otherwise be incapable of telling them. I'm really hoping this all works out the way I want it to.


Now that that is out of the way... For those that are stumbling upon this blog and know nothing of the old one: I volunteer coach for my old highschools swim team. Tommorrow is Region, oh goody! I started to remember why I disliked this time of year a few weeks ago, when the sudden urge to do away with the larger portion of the team struck. Its been six long months of struggle, here in Utah swim season is the longest of all sports. Six months. My view, (after having surrvived now five years of it.) is that anyone who can stick out doing a full body workout for two hours a day for six months deserves some serious recognition.
Not many people realize that swimming is such a difficult sport, but then again not many can even pretend to do the dolphin kick much less a fully fledged butterfly. Yes six months straight is difficult, but thats not even the half of it.
Six months of putting up with the same six or seven people for two hours a day... crowded around you all trying to hear the coach over the roar of the ventilation (My team swims in a bubble, meaning that it converts to an outdoor pool in the summer.) dealing with that same kid who comes twenty minutes after workout starts and wants to lead the lane because he's faster for a few minutes.... putting up with any number of annoying habits and personality traits THATS the hard part. Adding the fact that maybe your a first year swimmer and may just have a little bit of insecurity in your body image meaning that your half naked around people you might just want to date for two hours a day, in close quarters... rough.
But tommorrow it all ends. At least for the JV. (well it might not, there are a few that if they are in the zone will make it to state) Oh! It wont be the happy ending your all thinking of though! Nope, it will be a day full of stress to the max! Kids panicking that they dont know a stroke well enough or maybe just barely realizing that hey I slacked off all year and now I need to do a hundred yards freestyle in under a minute...
It'll be sooooo much fun!